Single Person's Truth: Dating & Marriage

In today’s world we have an abundance of advice about finding the “One” flying at us from all corners. Books like Think Like a Man, Why Men Marry Bitches and He’s Just not that into you; claim to have all the dating answers and tools you’ll need to get married.  Mind you I have read and own all of those books and at some point in my dating life I have sabotaged a relationship and or given myself a migraine trying to implement all this advice. However, in all of our human wisdom we still can’t seem to get it right. We look to other humans and their personal truths on fulfilling a companionship desire that was given to us by God. We look to Jay-Z & Beyoncé or Barack & Michelle to teach us how to love instead of looking to God. We allow anyone to speak into our single lives and we become walking clones of human mistakes instead of shining vessels of God’s glory.

God hears our prayers! He knows we have been walking with him and praying for a mate, he knows that we have not been held or spooned in many months if not years and he knows that we want LOVE and human connection. However, God is not going to bless us until we completely surrender. And you may be thinking “Girl I surrendered my love life to God years ago” but God gives us a look at what the manifestation of surrendering looks like in Genesis 2:22-23.

“Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib” Wait for a minute, pause. So, God makes wives? He molds us, sharpens us, breaks us and turns us into wives. So how can we allow God to make us into a wife for a God given man if we don’t spend time with God? The making is not going to happen in passing as we go from work, the gym and social gatherings. The making happens in that one on one personal time we spend with God and through a relationship with Christ. That making happens when we start passing the test God throws at us. Making is not done by personal trainers, beauticians or taking love advice from Stevie Harvey and all the other popular relationship gurus. Making is personal and it takes time. Most importantly we cannot make ourselves. One of my favorite speakers and teachers Rev. Thursell Watts said “We shape ourselves to be a rib for the wannabe Adams, then when the real Adam shows up he doesn’t even recognize us.” Stop working so hard and just BE. Let God do the work, we just need to spend the time and allow ourselves to be made.

The second thing the scripture says is “And he brought her to the man.” How powerful is that?! So God presents us to our Adam. So I don’t have to go online and search hundreds of profiles to find him? You mean I don’t have to go to happy hour scouting out potential prospects? You mean I don’t have to fill his ear on the first date with how fly I am? You mean I don’t have to like and comment on every one of his Facebook post? You mean I don’t have to slave and cook him 5 course meals to show how I would be a great wife? Yes that is exactly what I mean. God will do the presenting, he made you and he will show off his master piece to the right and perfect Man for you.

Lastly, and the most exciting thing, and the point where I bust out laughing with joy while reading my bible was Man’s reaction: “AT LAST, the man exclaimed! This ONE is bone of my bone.” So wait a minute; Man was excited when Woman was presented to him? Man claimed her and changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship with Woman.” Man was not second guessing or weighing his options or looking for other help mates.

The truth is that God’s plan for our love lives is quite simple. The wisdom and truth for being with the person our heart desires is found in a few short lines in Genesis 2:22-23 not in a whole book of finite human wisdom based on years of trial and error. The real answer to what we should do is found by seeking God. Have faith, surrender and allow God to make you. For men allow God to open your eyes so you can recognize your rib. Give your hear t to God and allow him to shape and mold you into the vessel he has called you to be.

What are your thoughts? Feel free to share and comment.

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Free Yourself from Calories!

I remember being over 200 pounds and desperate. I had tried everything and nothing was working. So one day feeling very low I humbly joined a weight loss club. I was so excited! I remember buying all of the books, weighing in at the meetings and joining my group members weekly to discuss our weight loss issues. My instructor often brought us free “weight loss club” snacks that were very low in calories but very delicious. I signed the dotted line and thought I had found my people! It was comforting to be able to discuss my late night binges, or the really BAD weekends of throwing caution to the wind; those people understood. There was an unsaid “Eating-fat -while-trying-to-be-skinny” mentality that existed in my club. Weekly we shared our low calories food finds. For example; “ABC Company makes this delicious dessert that is only 10 calories” or “XYZ brands makes this yummy cheese spread that is only 15 calories.” I remember one night eating 5 of those 100 calories snack pack cookies and thinking; this can’t be healthy, but at least it was only 500 calories. I finally came to the end of my 6 month weight loss club membership only having lost 7 pounds; I knew then there had to be a better way.

The problem was the weight loss club’s reasoning for my future weight loss success was based on a math equation (factoring in no variables). They told me I could still eat the horrible bad food that got me overweight BUT they were just going to replace it with a lower calorie, chemically altered, extra processed replacement; instead of teaching me how to reprogram my relationship with unhealthy food. Yes for some this works for a while. We eat the lower calorie cookie instead of the really bad cookie or we eat the extra thin pizza instead of the doughy pizza; thinking all the while this will last. Well the process is doomed from the start. The focus is on what we can’t have instead of what we can. We are constantly reminded of the really good versions of the stuff that makes us obese, and before long we are back to buying the same foods that made us overweight in the first place. It is a vicious cycle.

But there is a better way! The process I went through to lose weight was all about retraining my taste buds and focusing nutrition. Most yummy horrible foods today are packed with flavor but low on nutrition; this is why you can still feel hungry after eating a big Mac with fries. I used to go into a deep depression after eating 3 slices of pizza and still having room for dessert, but it was all about the nutrition. I learned to like highly nutritious foods. The process of learning I went through was juice fasting (My juicing video), during this time my body was flushed of all toxins and my cravings for bad foods disappeared. While I fasted I researched nutritious foods that I planned on eating like: Kale, lentils, quinoa, squash and many more. The cool thing about fasting is it also makes you appreciate food, and so when I began eating healthy it was easy!

I encourage you to free yourself from calorie counting! Don’t get caught up in hype of calories in and calories out. While it is important to watch portions; the real focus should be on the nutritional content of the food you eat. Retrain your taste buds, get rid of the junk and become the healthy person you always wanted to be!

How was your experience in a weight loss club? How have you learned to eat healthy? Share your thoughts comments and questions below. 

Spirit: How To Be Single

I have been a single lady for quite some time now; let’s just say years (yes plural). Before I became the fit veggie girl you see today I was the relationship QUEEN. I stayed with a boo. Since turning a teenager all the way until my adult life, I always had someone. That is over 13 years of being a “we.” I was the over achieving girlfriend; being an overachiever worked in my business life, but not in my personal life. Always giving 110% while my partner gave 50% got really old; not to mention it was a hell of my own making. After years of the push and the pull, the tears and the drama I had to just sit down. I even became an over achieving single dater; always manipulating, planning and working behind the scenes to snag the boys I thought I liked. That was when God told me to sit ALL the way down.

I was so focused over feeding my love life that the other areas of my life where bone dry. I had no fruit professionally or spiritually. I hadn’t even begun to understand the purpose of my life. I was so worried about feeding my love life that I over fed it and it drowned. I had to back off, and that was so HARD! In our busy microwave society it is hard to be solo. Everyone is so focused on getting somebody, keeping somebody, breaking up with somebody and then looking for the next somebody. We now have love at our finger tips. Social media and dating websites make it easy to be on to the next one while sitting next to the old one. We are so busy and unfocused that by the time we look up and know who we really are it is 10 years later plus one divorce and two kids.

I needed to stop. I needed to find out who I was without someone else. I needed to clean out all the old baggage that I kept schlepping from person to person. My baggage took the form of expectations. “Well I need you to be affectionate because that is what I am used to” or “Where is this relationship going because I don’t have time to waste.” I was tired from lugging all that around for years. I learned to be by myself. I don’t know why I had dreaded it, because I am a pretty cool person to spend time with. For the first time in my life I was able to think, without wondering what someone else was doing. I was a like a diamond in the rough and I needed time to be dusted off. I began to understand what my worth was as a person not just as a girlfriend. I became an athlete, cook, writer and volunteer. I had no clue I was so amazing.

Now looking at where I am today, I am astonished. I am so thankful that I didn’t settle while I was my old self because that person wouldn’t have fit my best self. I am so thankful for my close relationship with God and for the discernment, wisdom and knowledge he has given me.  Honestly this period of “sitting down” has gone longer then I initially thought; however, it is not about my time but God’s time. Even when I try to do little things to speed the process along my plans always fail. So when the time is right and this season is over, someone will know me and recognize me as wife and I won’t have to lift a finger.

Don’t pay attention to the fear and urgency that society puts on us to find someone. What God has for you is for YOU! Are you in a season of singleness? Have you always dated someone your whole life? What have you learned while being single? Share your thoughts and comments. 

Weight Loss: Don't Listen to Your Friends

Everyone has an opinion on how YOU should be losing weight. I remember when I got serious about losing weight, I got plenty of advice from all sorts of people some solicited and some not. Some advice was really helpful and others (usually the unsolicited) missed the mark. In MY personal journey I had to figure out what would work for me. Often, the problem with advice from others is that they don’t really know you. They don’t know that you are prone to ordering a whole pizza and devouring it in one sitting; they don’t know that you could eat a roll of cookie dough if left unmonitored and they don’t know that you’d rather drown yourself than run 1 mile around the corner.

Be careful who you invite on your weight loss journey. Most people have issues with their own body. People will project their own negative perceptions of themselves onto you when they see progress. It’s enough to battle the temptations, unmotivated moments and frustrations that go along with losing weight, then to add dealing with the psychological warfare your friends and family.  Trust, it is a full out war. When you do finally come close to your goal people will say “You look to thin you need to eat” or “Your always working out you should rest.” Don’t allow these negative perceptions to invade your psyche. Be strong.

It takes hard work to get in shape and stay in shape. You should be proud of reaching that point where fitness and healthy nutrition is no longer a chore. Yes, it is great to reward yourself but don’t let the words of others influence your choice.

 This past weekend I was on a family vacation. I have lost about 10 pounds since I started training for an upcoming marathon. One of my family members kept harping on my weight and said I was too thin. Meanwhile, I thought I looked great, and other family members told me how toned and fantastic I looked. However, this one family member kept encouraging me to eat and I did.  Before you know it I come home 7 pounds heavier. Instead of listening to myself I allowed the insecurities of another influence my choice. It was funny because the same family member who was saying I was too thing called me the day after we got back and asked for help losing weight.

You know yourself better than anyone else. Ask God for guidance on your decisions regarding your weight and getting healthy. He will steer you in the right path, put the right literature in front of you and send positive people your way.

Are there negative influencers in your life? Are you getting push back from family members about being healthy? Share your thoughts and experience. 

Spirit: The Fruit Of Your Life

My Garden

We are all on the search for truth to some degree or another. I don’t knock what other people do because we all have our own journey. My path is unique to me and I share my story so that it will inspire someone else not to say “Copy exactly what I did to get what I got.” I feel compelled to share because there is evidence of progress and excellence in my life that wasn’t there before.

As a person of faith I call this evidence FRUIT. The fruit in one’s life can be good or bad. As a new gardener I understand more than ever that fruit takes a LONG time to grow. I have spent months watering, feeding, pruning, rehabilitating and slaving over my plants to get fruit. I used to think that if I just watered a plant every day I would get tomatoes…WRONG.  I also had to shield the plants from danger. A month ago a bird landed in my garden and destroyed two plants and planted a nest. Then my tomatoes experienced blight for several months. This same philosophy is true of our lives. What type of fruit in your life are you preparing to produce?

Whatever you nurture and protect in your life will produce fruit. If you eat clean, exercise regularly and drink plenty of water your fruit will be a great health. If you are kind to others, sacrifice your time to helping and love earnestly your fruits are great relationships. Conversely if you don’t trust anyone, talk about friends and judge people the fruit of your life will be envy. If you always have an opinion about other’s romantic relationships, watch trashy love reality shows and talk about the scarcity of men chances are the fruit of your life will be desperation. I have harvested both good and bad fruit.

The bittersweet thing about fruit is that everyone can see the fruit in your life. It is called evidence for a reason. The more good fruit you water in your life the more you will begin to shine and vice versa. Recognizing fruit in your life also helps you see fruit in other people’s lives. Recognizing fruit in other’s lives will keep you out of bad relationships, treacherous friendships and bad business situations. This discernment will protect you from becoming vulnerable to false teachings. Regardless of what people say the fruit (evidence) is clear. We have all heard the old adage “Talk is cheap.”

The only way I was able to produce good fruit in my life is through Christ Jesus. In the past I tried so hard to be fruitful and do great things but I always ended up frustrated. It wasn’t until I fully surrendered, that my life changed.

What type of fruits are you nurturing in your life? Have you ever had bad fruit in your life? What would make your walk in truth easier? How have you been able to tap into faith? Share your thoughts and comments.